Here are a few things you probably don't know about this whole chemotherapy thing:
- Yes, anti-nausea drugs have come a long way and I am very happy about that. I have avoided becoming overly familiar with the porcelain BUT nothing at this point makes food actually taste good. (Although Jason's pork loin, rice and asparagus are as close as a girl can get to heaven on a normal day.)
- The fatigue is like nothing I can even explain - for a girl who is addicted to her Crackberry, the very fact that it takes me almost an hour to even pick it up off the night table after an afternoon nap says a lot. And sometimes I see it flashing and just don't care. WHO HAVE I BECOME???
- Canker sores suck - they suck worse when you are supposed to eat to keep your strength up and they make peanut butter toast feel like PB and razor blades. Special alcohol-free mouthwash, special toothpaste, special canker cream. It's a lot of steps for a girl who just wants to eat a snack and go to bed.
- Oh, and did I mention special damn moisturizer? Retinol is only the greatest advancement of our time in non-invasive, non-surgical cosmetic facial enhancement for ladies of an age - and chemo doesn't "like" retinol. Seriously people?
- Chemo-Brain is a fun one. I have had to install a damn Thesaurus app on my Blackberry because I can't remember big words. And sometimes I can't remember little words. Or strings of words. When Tim and Nancy were here, he was our own personal word-smith and interpretor. By the end of the weekend he was calling us "Dumb and Dumber" - not sure if that makes me Lloyd Christmas or Harry Dunn and I don't want to.
- Chemo dries out nasal tissue - spontaneous nosebleeds are a hoot. It's like a damn crime scene up there SO, again there are a multitude of preventative and healing measures - humidifiers (thank you Merriam-Webster on-line - I would have been here all night trying to come up with that one on my own), saline spray, nasal gel, vaseline, polysporin. I fully recognize that sharing all this will result in a lot of smart-ass comments tomorrow but bring it on - I could use a giggle on Day 4 and if YOU provide it you may win a prize.
- Am I the only one with the weird side effects ignored in all the side effect literature - you know, the twitchy eyes, aching eyeballs, discolored fingers, chest pains?
- And how about this hair thing? It's just playing with me now - go or stay, but please make up your mind and could you maybe let me in on the little secret? I am getting to the point where I think I could be one of the lucky ones and keep most of it, but then I find all these little renegade bastards who have decided to abandon ship and hang out in my brush when I specifically told them to stay put in my head. No control here people, no control.
- And yet - at the end of each day, even if I feel like a nuclear war-head has just gone off in my body, I haven't washed my hair or put on any make-up, Tim always manages to lift me up and make me feel like the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. Back to the abundance of gratitude...funny how that works.
At the risk of sounding insensitive (get out the Merriam- Webster) you had me howling at this post. Have you ever considered becoming a writer?
ReplyDeleteWhy, yes...yes I have. It's been my lifelong dream to write the great Canadian novel and have always wished I had gone into Journalism rather than Business. Who knows what the future holds? And I'm glad it made you giggle - that was the plan!
DeleteHi Barb! You do have great style! But you knew that already! Or if you didn't, we have all known that for ages!
DeleteI read your list with more smirks than giggles ... having been there gives one's sense of humour about it an edge perhaps.
Oh yes, I DO recall all the side effects that AREN'T listed in what looked to be a rather thorough listing of what to expect. Harrumph! Not so in my case either. I remember at one point while on the phone to a nurse at the Champion Centre and her reassuring me that the gripping pain across my chest and the tenderness of my skin (neither of which was listed) was very normal, even the nurse noted that they needed to update their documentation. Your experience suggests to me that it never happened.
They also didn't tell me about "magic mouthwash" ... a concoction the pharmacists there will whip up for chemo patients experiencing mouth sores. A kind friend told me about it and sure enough ... all you have to do is ask. It's a good thing. Make sure you ask for it if you're having mouth sores.
When the going gets tough, just imagine those little cancer cells shriveling up and croaking ... exiting your body as you flush them down the toilet. Imagine them feeling what you feel x 10! The little bastards!
Get lots of rest and keep being your beautiful, sparkly, funny self!