Back in Ontario

Well, here I am, back in Ontario with Tim and the kids. The last couple of days in Saskatoon were awesome - and very indicative of the kind of friends I have. Mike spent many hours driving me around to two hospitals, three pharmacies, my dental clinic and Tim Horton's in the middle of a snowy and difficult-to-maneuver Saskatoon. Kristie and Sophie came over for a visit and I got LOTS of Sophie cuddles and giggles. Chantelle and Sonya came over my last night with pizza and homemade cake pops to keep me company and send me off. I was feeling pretty good those few days so it was easy to enjoy. Unfortunately, due to weather and a variety of other factors, I did not get to see any of my family or Parchy, which was a bit of a downer. 

Thanks to the steroids I was hyper this round and got very little sleep, especially the last night when I knew I had to get up before 4am to fly to Calgary. I am glad that I decided to meet up with Tim on his way home though - didn't realize how much I had missed him until I saw him walk through the security line. I also got the chance to visit with some old Janssen friends; Mike, Brayden, Dino, and Robin. I can't tell you how good it was for my soul and how very much I miss being a part of your ranks.

These past few days have been an interesting mix of contentment to be back with my little family, utter exhaustion and feeling like garbage as a result of chemo and one hell of a winter cold. Tim has been a doll and taking great care of me, even though he too is still feeling unwell and trying to recover from a week away at meetings with a two hour time difference. I literally have been sleeping about 15 hours a day, just trying to recover and get back to my old self. The neuropathy is not great, I am covered in cankers and cold sores, and my GI tract feels like someone has cleaned it with steel wool. But the good news is that my head space is MUCH improved from what it was a few weeks ago. 

 I was feeling so sorry for myself and so angry with the universe that I momentarily forgot about the good things in my life and how they buoy me everyday. I was worrying about things I can't control. I began resenting those around me who are healthy. And I shut down.

And Lord help me if Kendal finds out....

Because as much as I fear canser, I fear being "that poor girl with canser" more. I was letting it win, I was licking my wounds, I was hiding - because I didn't want my friends and family knowing how very much I was struggling. And poor Tim was left with the fall-out.  Funny how a change of scenery, good times with good friends. missing my "husband" and some potentially positive news about new treatments can set a girl right again.  
One thing I can say about this whole "canser" thing is that it is a never-ending battle of highs and lows. But I am just lucky enough to have very understanding people who love me - no matter how difficult I am.