Once again - sleepless and on the sofa with a heating pad on my back and a burr in my saddle. (Been a little grumpy b/c of the way I have been feeling lately.) I have just been so sick since starting this new cocktail and I can't help but wonder - is it the chemo making me so sick or the canser spreading? I am fighting the back pain and abdominal pain, but along with that comes an upset stomach, bloating, gas, alternating constipation/diahrrea/and nausea whenever I eat. I have heatburn all the time, my esophagus hurts when I swallow anything and I have stuff going on at the back door that no one should have to deal with.
My mouth is full of canker sores and I have been having nosebleeds that almost end me in emerg. I feel like my liver is so inflamed and swollen, that it has to be the canser. Add to that that I just read a stupid on-line article about the inevitability of chemo resistance and that there are new miracle drugs on the horizon - that won't be out for a decade and it just all kind of sucks the life and fire out of me. I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row in almost two weeks and it is taking a toll on my mood and my ability to cope with the side effects, so I've had to start taking anti-anxiety meds more regularly.
Tim is so worried about me that I am worried about him. Not to be a downer - I just wanted you all to know why I have been incomunnicado lately. BUT, yesterday was my first good day (for the most part) in a very long time, so I am hoping to tag on another few feel-good days before chemo again on Tuesday.
Anyway - I wanted you all to know that I am heading to Saskatoon on Saturday for a CT scan and what I expect to be my last chemo treatment at the Canser clinic there. It has become too much of a burden, physically and financially for me to get my treatments there when they are no longer covering Avastin for me. There are also other contributing factors - like the fact that one of my two oncologists there suggested testing my initial biopsy results for a genetic marker that would indicate one treatment option over another - in JANUARY, and I have still heard nothing about it. He is also the one who promised to try to get me covered for Avastin - and I've never heard from him again. The other doc, though nice, is terrible at getting paperwork done when I need it for insurance purposes and so on. Either he just doesn't bother doing it or their medical records people "misplace it." Meanwhile, I take a form into Dr. Chouinard in Cambridge and it is ready two days later - with no eye rolling or sighing involved.
I also intend to put my condo on the market while there, so if anyone knows anyone who wants to buy a gently-used, single owner, two-bedroom townhouse style condo in Arbor Creek with central air, central vac, two owned parking spaces and a partially finished basement - let me know. ;-)
I have been feeling particularly overwhelmed lately - so much to do and feeling pressure to get it all done. All I want right now is to be in a new house with Tim, one where we have the freedom to enjoy a nice backyard, for BBQ'ing, reading, gardening, relaxing and dare-I-say, entertaining? This will not be a quick or painless project, but I look forward to getting it underway.
The other top-of-mind issue is the wedding(s). I will have my dress on the first of May, but it is almost impossible to book anything AND gauge how I will be feeling when the time comes. The last thing I want is to be miserably sick on my wedding day. It keeps me awake at night.
Wow, I am just FULL of sunshine and roses, aren't I? I need to stop taking all this stuff so seriously and go sit on a patio somewhere and have a few cocktails - maybe that will cure what ails me. Did I mention it was +24 in Cambridge yesterday? Ha! But so windy I almost blew away and it rained in the evening so we couldn't go out on the porch and enjoy it anyway...and apparently we can expect snow tonight and tomorrow morning. Weird.
That's it for now - either time to try to nap or give up and have a coffee...maybe both.
BJ - out.
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