I'll Make it to the Moon if I Have to Crawl...

Today was a good day. I went for lunch with Marlys - and I just have to say that on top of being one of my favorite people, she is also wise beyond her years. I can always count on her for well-thought out and sage advice - she has a great sense of fairness, good judgment and more common sense than most.  She is also an incredible mom and I learn so much about good parenting from her...thanks for the great chat today Marly.

I rented a little Mazda 3 this afternoon and am quite loving not only the freedom it allows me, but also it's a zippy little car and I think I love driving it.  I am going car shopping tomorrow, so cross your fingers I can find a good deal.

I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon today, and all went well. He was very happy with the results from my latest CT scan, not very happy that I have yet to gain any weight back since the surgery (instructing me to drink all the Gatorade, milk shakes, Starbucks and Iced Capps I can get in me) and quite visibly surprised at the scar left from my surgery.  He said that the colour will eventually fade, but the thickness of it is a result of the fact that my skin scars easily - in fact he called me a "Keloid-Maker."  Super-frigging-duper.  Keloid = a thick scar resulting from excessive growth of fibrous tissue.  I really hope that I can be one of those cool chicks that just doesn't give a damn and can still rock a bikini post-canser.  Some days I think of it as a badge of honour - just happy to be alive and consider it a small price to pay - and other days it seems so big and ugly that I can't imagine ever being confident on the beach again.  On those days, I resent how some people can fixate on their minor imperfections when I am left with a 7 inch vertical mid-line scar from my sternum to below my belly button.  And then I remember that some canser survivors are left with much worse scars and much shorter lives - so it's best to just accept it and get on with things.

Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.

Henry Rollins

The Weekend Update

Whew...what a weekend.  Saturday I spent the afternoon at Kristie's house for Sophie's 2nd birthday party.  I swear, she might be the funniest little kid I have ever met. She's got a mind like a steel trap and is the biggest ham I know. The stuff that comes out of her mouth makes me absolutely howl and she seems to have a running commentary on everything.  For example, she had JUST finished blowing out her candles, started eating her cupcake, surrounded by at LEAST 20 people when I decide to run upstairs to the washroom to blow my nose and she announces to the entire crowd, "Auntie Barbie is going to pee." Hilarious. Also very cute is how she has, with no coaching, started referring to Chantelle as "Chantelley." And when Shardelle (Thanks for the ride!) and I were leaving the party she said "Good-bye Ladies."  What two year old speaks like that?

Happy Birthday Miss Sophie!

It was also really, really good for my soul to see and spend time with Kristie and her family.  They are always so welcoming - and these days encouraging about my health. As I've mentioned before, Kristie's mom Diane is a canser survivor and a huge source of hope and determination for me.  I have to send out kudos to Scott for a perfectly grilled burger juuuuust about the size of my head, and to Safeway for some incredibly yummy cupcakes. (Let's not discuss how many I had and just focus on the fact that I am trying to put on some lbs.)


BUT not before Andy and Pearl's wedding, b/c there isn't a spare inch of room in the dress I just purchased for the occasion. Since it was winter again today in Saskatoon, I spent the afternoon at the mall with Chantelle(y) combing the racks for just the right dress.  Let me just say that Chantelle has the patience of a saint, because I must have tried on 30 dresses and she didn't complain even once.  For those of you who are unaware, Chantelle fancies herself a bit of an expert in the art of shopping, not only for herself, but for finding just the right thing for whomever she happens to be with at the time.  And once again, she did not disappoint. Man, for someone who was afraid of not finding anything to fit, it really was a new kind of self-inflicted torture having to choose between so many.  In fact, I couldn't. I ended up buying two and will return the one I don't wear. Oh how I wish I had another wedding to attend this summer so I could keep both. Sigh.


I discovered something new about myself tonight. Turns out I am an absolute die-hard Lionel Ritchie fan. Who knew? His new duets album is awesome, and after watching the Vegas concert that I PVR'ed on Friday, I realized that he really can still belt them out with the best of them. Throw in a little Jennifer Nettles, Kenny Rogers and Blake Shelton and I am a goner! Loved it and I highly recommend his new CD.

This week will be busy. I have an appointment with my surgeon on Monday, blood work on Tuesday and Chemo again on Wednesday. I can't believe it is coming again so fast, I feel like I JUST recovered from the last one.  I also HAVE to find a car this week, get my taxes done and do laundry because almost every stitch of clothing that currently fits me needs to be washed. 


That's it for tonight! Happy Monday everyone!

Checking In...

Ok, so it's been quite awhile since my last post, my apologies. It's been a bit of a rough cycle - I'm not ashamed to admit that #7 knocked the stuffing out of me. I did nothing but sleep the entire Easter weekend away and somehow the Easter bunny forgot about me! (Hoppy little bastard). Chantelle was nice enough to invite me to not one, but TWO dinners - both of which I had to decline because I was just so wiped out. There is definitely a cumulative effect happening here that I could do without.  Enough complaining...I am grateful for chemo, I am grateful for chemo, I am grateful for chemo.  But still, it would be really nice if some oncologist somewhere could come up with a non-toxic chemotherapy that didn't obliterate your appetite, your tastebuds, your skin, your nose, your mouth, your hands, your eyes, your brain, your energy - you get my point.
I was land-locked this week as well, and to be honest, sometimes it's just easier to stay in bed than get ready for a day of sitting at home doing nothing.  SO, my plan next week is to solve this problem of being without a car. Wish me luck. Those of you who know me well, know that I am the most indecisive person on the planet. I am having trouble deciding how much I want to spend and what type of vehicle to get. Turns out that after 13 years of company vehicles, I've turned into a bit of a car-snob (one gets used to that new car smell) and a cheap-skate (the idea of paying for my own gas gives me heart palpitations). Add to the equation that I still have no idea how LONG I will be off work, and you have a girl who can't decide between paying as little as I can for a beater to get me around the city for the summer or spending substantially more for a more reliable car in case I am off work indefinitely.  Hmmm, decisions, decisions. Why is nothing ever easy?
Yesterday was a bit of a treat for me, Kristie and Sophie came over and brought Rosco for a visit. While they went to a doctor's appointment, I took Rosco and Bailey out for a nice, long walk. Now Rosco is a 13 week-old Roti/Shepard mix. He is a sweet, curious pup.  He is also bigger than Bailey and this was their first meeting. So far, she's not overly impressed. She's old and cranky and he is young and playful. She would have none of it.  He isn't 100% clear how walks work yet - and as a result the first ten minutes were mayhem. Picture it:  Bailey stopping to sniff and pee every ten feet, Rosco walking INTO me and under my feet, my hair blowing in my face in the gale force winds, Bailey refusing to walk anywhere near him, Rosco's body automatically drifting in whatever direction his eyes were pointed, Bailey not appreciating the butt-sniffing, Rosco constantly chewing his leash, wanting to play and not understanding that the idea of a walk is to actually do his business and eventually stopping and sitting politely by while Bailey did hers - numerous times.  Overall, it was a success but WAY more work than I am used to with just one dog. He really is the sweetest dog, but Kristie is starting to think that maybe his older brother is also his daddy and that would explain the length of time it is taking to train him.  I think she just has to get used to a puppy again.

Seriously? How gorgeous is he???

And Bailey couldn't be less impressed.

Today was filled with lots of ups and downs. I got up, had breakfast, showered and promptly went back to bed. It's a good thing Dawn came for a visit this afternoon or I might never have made it out of the wrapper. And thank goodness she did. I have known Dawn since our university days, she was the one who referred me for my job with Janssen and it has been a very long time since last we saw each other. She is so sweet that she stopped at the grocery store on the way over and bought the fixings for homemade chicken soup - then walked into my condo like she had lived there for years and just started cooking! What an amazing friend! She also happens to be one of the smartest, wittiest, funniest girls I know. And once again, chemo brain made me forget to take a new pic, but here's one from the good old days....

As good SK girls do - cheering on the Riders while drinking our fair share of Pil...

That is so IT for tonight. It's after 1am and usually I am out cold by 9:30am. Poor Bailey is going to have to work extra hard to get me out of bed in the morning for breakfast.  Shouldn't be too hard, she has a way of strategically placing her front paw right on my throat that gets my up every time.  Goodnight everybody!

Happy Easter!

Happy Happy Birthday - to the Love of my Life!

This may be a few hours early Tim, but I wanted to make sure that even though your present is still in transit (stupid chemo schedule and lazy fiance), that you woke up to SOMETHING from me. Saturday's blog is dedicated to the sweetest, smartest, funniest man I have ever met. You make me howl, you make me weep with joy and you make me a better person every day. In fact:

 
Wildly inappropriate language, but I felt the need to punctuate my feelings.

I LOVE that you don't mind the height differential, that you embrace my battle scars and that you are my loudest cheerleader. 

I LOVE the father that you are and I am so proud that you have included me in your family.

 I LOVE the way you say my name.

And I LOVE that you challenge me, every day - intellectually, (granted that is a lot easier these days than it used to be), emotionally and comedically.  I LOVE your sarcasm, your wit and your laughter. And I LOVE your heart.


Thank you for being you. Happy Birthday Tim. 
Yours,
Barbie

Chemo #7

Wow! LOTS to catch up on now that Chemo #7 is done.  First of all, as I mentioned in a previous post, Chantelle's crew at GSK volunteered to deliver daffodils for the cancer society on my behalf last week. What a great and supportive team she has. Here are a few pics from their day - after talking to Chant it sounds like they had a fun time and got some personal satisfaction out of the experience as well.

Banker and Chantelle

Brenda and "Ortho" Dave

 

Chad, Chant and Brenda

 

                          The GSK Team - and might I say - my Respiratory and Allergy competition last year?  Says a lot about who they are as people...hugs to all.

Off to make deliveries....

Tuesday morning I had the pleasure of meeting Chantelle, Kristie and Sophie for an early morning breakfast. It felt like forever since I saw Sophie last - she has gotten SO big, her hair has gotten SO long and she is stringing sentences together like nobody's business!

Plus I got a bacon and egg breakfast out of the deal, so it was a win-win situation!

Wednesday was Chemo #7.  Here's a funny story - I took Bailey out for a walk before having to go to the hospital.  There is an older lady down the street from me who owns two little freak-store dogs. Not their fault in my opinion - I think she hasn't a clue how to be a calm, dominant pack leader and has created two fearful, aggressive dogs.  Every time they see Bailey they go absolutely bat-shit crazy and she has one heck of a time controlling them. And Bailey does a great job of ignoring them in my opinion.  This time, when she saw us coming, she stepped about 15 feet off the sidewalk onto the grass and picked up the one brown terrier. (Worst thing you can do according to Cesar Milan the Dog Whisperer, because it puts them in a higher position of dominance and the owner coddling them makes them feel that they are being praised for correct behaviour.) Needless to say, we got about ten feet past them and she must have dropped the leash because the next thing I know there is a black ball of terror jumping on Bailey's back and attacking her! It took me about ten seconds to get my bearings, but had the forethought NOT to get my hands between their mouths, instead waiting for the opportunity to grab the poodle by his back legs and fling him away from Bailey. Obviously I dropped Bailey's leash and she headed for home (because she's a LOVER, not a FIGHTER), in the meantime, the crazy poodle dog went after Bailey AGAIN! So I jumped between them, crouched down, grabbed the other dog and said in a stern voice - "No!" And his demeanor completely changed - he sat down, opened his mouth and almost smiled at me. SO, in under thirty seconds I was able to put her dog into a calm, submissive state and she has never done so in my observation. Brutal. Man, was I pissed - partly because I have seen her slap her dogs in the past and it took all of my will power not to do the same to her.  


So, then off to the hospital with Chantelle for Chemo #7. My nurses were good enough to pose for a pic, partly because they had a Peruvian male nurse observing and he was taking pics to take back with him:

Orlando, Linda, Sandra and me...

There was no heat in the building on Wednesday for some reason, so I ended up cuddling up with 4 heated blankets. THEN, I was given a beautiful cream coloured shawl that was donated by a local church group.  The nurses were quite fun that day - they were in a bit of a mood and were busting each other constantly. We were on our own this time, so we had a really good chance to catch up after my trip to Ontario and share some giggles with the nurses.

Since I am now on long term disability, I have had to give up my company car.  Kudos to Marly for lending me her truck this weekend while she is away at a wedding. It allowed me to go to St. Paul's hospital on Thursday to visit my Auntie Margaret. She just went through her own battle with lung cancer this past fall, having had a lobectomy in September. She was in Saskatoon for a bone scan and I was so happy that I got to see her, as I haven't seen her since right before I started chemo in early January.  She is the sweetest lady I know, and has basically been my mom's stand-in since she passed away 15 years ago.  

Fondly known as "My Margaret"

After my visit at the hospital, I met Mike at Cafe Sola for a coffee and a chat...

Worthy of a pic I'd say....

Mike and I had an awesome chat, and I was completely wired from the dexamethasone while there, unfortunately on the way home I totally hit a wall and could have easily fallen asleep while driving. So needless to say, I spent the entire afternoon in bed and it was well-needed.


I want to take a quick second to thank more of my girls, Dawn Juristy, Nicole Scubert and Amy Becker - all of whom sent me some great birthday cards and gifts last week.  Thank you ladies, you are so sweet.


That's it for today. Other than to say I wish I was in Cambridge - poor Tim is dealing with a sick little boy and could probably use a hand - man-on-man defense would likely help this situation.  

Oops, one MORE thing. The home care nurse was here this afternoon to remove my bottle and she told me a GREAT story. Her dad was diagnosed with small bowel cancer that moved to his liver when he was 62 AND he just celebrated his 91st birthday! Love these kind of stories!


Have a great day everyone!

Back to Reality

I have received a few comments about a lack of posts recently - my apologies.  It has been a challenging few days. After having such a great time in Ontario with Tim, I guess I am having a hard time now that I am back, having to once again face the harsh realities of my illness and how it is affecting my life day to day.

Tomorrow is Chemo #7, and to say that I am growing weary of this whole thing is a bit of an understatement.  I have to keep reminding myself to be grateful - that my mets are shrinking, that the chemo isn't making me as sick as it did initially and that I am halfway through the first stage of treatment. But it is becoming obvious that the effects of the chemo are starting to have a cumulative affect on my body and I am left to wonder what long term issues this will create. 
 
"Why, when we are challenged to survive, do we give ourselves permission to truly live?" - Kris Carr, Crazy Sexy Cancer 
I am also preoccupied these days with thoughts of how I truly want to live my life. I have a very clear idea of what that looks like, but unfortunately there are certain logistical and financial challenges that need to be sorted out before I can get to where I truly want to be.  And patience may be a virtue, but it doesn't seem to be one of mine anymore.